Wants vs Needs

Posted on | November 2, 2007 |

I was planning another installment in my series about kids’ allowances [the first being Allowance -- Yes? No? and Why?] but I’ve decided I need to backtrack a bit and cover some background philosophical ideas first.

I believe that the foundation of a healthy relationship to money (and healthy interpersonal relationships, also) is a solid understanding and inner acceptance of Wants versus Needs.

My mother, bless her soul, is a terrific woman. She raised four children mostly on her own. Now she’s the world’s greatest grandmother. She’s generous, kind, thoughtful, fun, talented, and highly intelligent. She’s also a shop-aholic. Really. It’s a sickness. She’s deeply in debt, constantly borrowing money, and the source of a great deal of stress for my siblings and me. It’s very painful to watch an otherwise intelligent adult engage over and over in self-destructive behavior. My mom has no boundaries when it comes to materials goods — basically if she wants it, she needs it.

Thirteen years and a lifetime ago , I was the mother of an infant and a soon-to-be 3-yo. During the first 6 months of The Son’s life, I spent a lot of time nursing and pondering the changes I had seen and was seeing my first child go through. The Daughter had gone from that same babe-in-arms helpless-infant stage to this terror-in-cherub’s clothing. Gradually it became evident to me that what I was seeing was her transition from being 100% needs-based to having both wants and needs. Actually, if you’ve ever had a 3-yo in your life you’ll know that they appear to go from being 100% needs-based to 100% wants-based!

Anyway, this recognition of a child-development stage lead to one of the most important tools I carry in my Mothering Toolbox — a Wants/Needs hierarchy. It looks like this — in descending order of importance:
1. Children’s needs
2. Parents’ needs
3. a) Children’s wants and b) Parent’s wants

As simple as the hierarchy is on paper, identifying the difference between a want and a need is often no easy task.

Infants are easy — they are 100% needs based. They need to be fed, changed, and loved. They simply do not have wants. A crying infant doesn’t want to be picked up and comforted, she needs it.

But toddlers are a different story. They’re learning that the world does not revolve around them and it’s a painful experience — for everyone involved. Toddlers need food, comfort, and basic care just like an infant but they also need to be taught the intricacies of wants and needs. This is very long learning process and unless we, as parents, understand and internalize the concepts of Wants and Needs we cannot effectively teach our children to understand the differences.

As the saying goes, “necessity is the mother of invention.” It was in a moment of necessity that I stumbled upon the first lesson I used to help cement the concept of Needs vs Wants in my own head and begin teaching The Daughter the harsh realities of life as an older sister One morning soon after The Son was born, we were playing out a typical home-life scene: The Son and The Daughter were both crying. As a normal postpartum mother, I was tired, sleep-deprived, bleeding from one end, leaking from another, and ready to cry myself. In desperation, I had a conversation with The Daughter that went something like this,

Sweetie, do you hear your brother crying?”

The sobs quiet slightly so she can listen, “Yes.”

“Here’s the rule: only one baby can cry at a time. Since he’s the ‘new little, little baby brother’, he gets to go first. As soon as he’s done crying it will be your turn. Okay.”

Tears dry up. A few brain cogs tumble as she processes this.
Then, “Okay.” And she sits down patiently to wait for the baby to stop crying.

What an incredible and eye-opening experience that was for me! What a learning experience it was for both of us. The Daughter, although certainly not consciously aware of it at the time, learned that the baby’s needs came before hers. And I learned that she was capable of delaying her needs.

Since that fateful day, we have continued to explore and learn about the hierarchy of wants and needs. I believe there are two keys to helping children learn to recognize the difference between their wants and needs. They are 1) to model behavior and 2) to introduce the terms and use them often.

Do you really want Jr. to come to the table now? Or must he come because he’s been called? Do you want her to eat her veggies or do her homework? Do you need that new skirt or that new power drill? It may seem like such a silly subtle matter of semantics but don’t underestimate the power of a seemingly simple word. Next time you’re contemplating a purchase, ask yourself if it’s a want or a need.

Our children are both teenagers now and I’m proud to say that they both have a solid grasp on the basic difference between their wants and needs. They know what groceries are needed (milk, dairy, fruits, veggies, grains, meat) and what is wanted (chips, soda, juice, etc). They’re also clear on the idea of what clothing is needed (a winter coat, practical everyday shoes, underwear) and what is wanted (3 pair of pants instead of 2, that extra pink polka-dot bra just because it’s pretty). And they are quite clear on the fact that anything beyond food, shelter, and comfort is a want. More importantly, they understand the hierarchy of wants and needs and are capable of putting aside their wants for needs and, sometimes, their needs for the needs of others.

Still, we continue to model behavior and language about wants and needs. The situations are more complex and often the questions are harder. When is one person’s needs more important than another’s? How do your wants impact mine? How about how our needs and wants impact the future and our ability to meet projected needs and fulfill future wants? How best do we accommodate every one’s needs and wants within a limited budget (because no matter how large a family’s budget, it is almost always limited). Then there’s the issue of our needs and wants as a couple; and the needs and wants of all of us together as a family unit. Obviously, balancing the needs and wants of one person is easier than balancing the needs and wants of a couple or a family.

For nearly four years, I’ve wanted a new ‘fridge. This summer the scales really tipped from want to need. Our children were party to all of our conversations about whether or not it was really time to replace the appliance. They were involved in all of our debates on what style, which brand, with or without ice-maker, etc. When we finally made our choice and bought the refrigerator, they knew how many of the features chosen were what we wanted and how much of the purchase was filling a need.

The children were also party to the process of purchasing a new car this summer. I wanted a family-sized car and I wanted an iPod input jack. We ended up with a small commuter car without an iPod jack because it was all we needed.

Now that Christmas is bearing down on us, dinner conversations are starting to center on how the car and refrigerator purchases need to be taken into consideration when looking at this year’s gift budget. Clearly our needs earlier this year will impact our ability to fulfill wants this Christmas.

At this point, if you’ve read this far, you might be wondering if I see all needs and wants as involving material goods. The answer is, no, of course not. But this is, after all, a Personal Finance blog In all seriousness, though, the point I’m trying to get across is that, as parents, it’s our responsibility to, first, be clear in ourselves what is a need and what is a want and then, second, model for our children both the process of differentiating between our needs and wants and the implementation of our own personal needs/wants hierarchy.

Whether it’s of our own making or through sheer dumb luck, our family life is free of sibling rivalry, accusations of one child getting more than the other, and recriminations that we just don’t care or understand. Better yet, our children seem to trust us implicitly to meet their needs and their wants to the degree that our budget allows and our discretion determines prudent. But then, our kids have grown up secure in the knowledge that their needs will always be met and that, with a bit of patience, they very often get the things they want too.

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